May 28, 2017


I saw the below comment in my news feed. So tempting to comment but I refrained myself hence I'm writing to this blog to avoid any unnecessary argument. I've learnt my lesson last time when I comment in a post where someone made untrue claims that there is no Azan is allowed in Penang. A simple comment to correct her statement based on my experience staying in Penang ended up to be some long argument. Being a "competitive" and my nk menang attitude, i didn't know when to back off. Lucky our mutual friend diplomatically end that argument. Since then, I've learnt people doesn't want truth. They just want to believe what the want to believe. In Al Baqarah there is lots of ayat about this type of people who will never listen, which said that Allah has put seal on their heart. I still struggle to understand why do people don't want to listen. Why Allah has put seal on the heart of some people? Does they know that they not listening to truth.. does they know they are looking at the wrong thing and my worst question,  Am I belong to the group as well? 

Anyway coming back to this post, for me the problem of this islamic radical is they think ONLY them is the correct one. They kill non-muslim or even muslim because they think only they follow the real Islam. The rest is just infidel. Being a muslim, we should know how much Ramadhan meant to muslim. For us, where kindness is a way to achieve happiness in hereafter, we tried to do much kindness during this holy months. But for them, where killing "infidel" is what they think is ticket to heaven, don't you think they will do more during the ramadhan??? So I just cannot get it when my friend was thinking all this thing has to do with kuasa2 luar nk campur tangan. Ok maybe I'm so naive but I think there is a bigger reason behind this rather campus tangan kuasa luar and if we cannot accept this real reason, it will be hard to fight all this terrorism.
For me, the issue is because "radical" ideology. It doesn't matter if it islamic radical, or any other religion or even other secular ideology. This so called radical movement is about having the greatest power. They will try to see how far they can stretch their ideology. Maybe it will be easy to give example of something that already happen in they history. All of us know that Hitler with his radical ideology execute the Jewish. But he does not stop there. He also execute those gay, gypsy and to a point his start to execute those Germany that was handicapped. For him, killing those worthless people make world a better place but how you draw the line.. who is worthless and who is not? It the same with this islamic radical. They might start with non muslim, then depending if they come from Shia or Sunni, they will continue to execute the opposite faith, then they will execute those from some faith but having slight different. Where do you think they will draw the line to stop?? Never !!! unless we stop all this radical thinking. It something we should not even thinking that "ala aku selamat sebab diorang attack org bukan islam je". For me, we live in a world that there is lots of grey than 1 or 0. Those grey is what define who we are.. Just because some one is having different thought and faith , does not make them to be on the wrong side. 

April 29, 2017

saving ...

My friend was asking me how much percentage of my salary I save for my rainy day aka hari tua.. sebenarnya soalan susah tu... I spend what I want and I save what I want.. Now in UK even more confused. because I used my malaysia saving to pay for my house loan payment as UK conversion rate dropped compare to when I decided to accept the job. So I'm hoping for the currency to be OK before tampal balik my saving ...  But the thing is, one of the reason I decided to go abroad is to travel.. So I kind of try not to control my travel spending so much. Besides, to get some benefits like free movie ticket, cashback la etc, I open a few current account. These account required some  minimum bank in every month. As they don't really care if the money stay, so what I do is I setup standing order that move my money from one account to another.. hahaha .. mcm black money je kan. That how kiasu I am to get  free stuff. I also fan of credit card as I think we wasting points not using credit card.. (konon la kan but seriously that what I firmly believe). So I don't really know how much % that I save..or I even save? .. hahaha.. So when she asked that question, my answer is "aku xde hard rules... ada kesedaran sendiri bila shopping banyak". Jawapan yg sgt confident and I'm pretty sure my friend feel wow.. bagus nya. (perasan kan).
But ... tiba2 ... that night, somehow while surfing abt Copenhagen,  I don't know why, but suddenly I open a camera review website.. and tiba2 .. I was on prayer mat beside my bed, sit long enough thinking should I or should I not..  I know I have been spending quite a lots last 2 months as I have been travelling and book some flights/hotel for my summer travel... but If I didn't buy now, I might missed the 5 years warranty offer.. Uhhh so tempting...
Tiba2 I took my credit card and tiba2 i get the confirmation letter... and I will be welcoming another tukun in my collection as summer preparation.....  Banyak la ko punya kesedaran sendiri...
Today I look at my credits card bill. Gosh.. baru la tersedar... Takpe .. my own justificaton .. one year anniversary gift I'm in Edinburgh.. apa2 pun boleh kan... Hope it worth it ...

April 15, 2017

azam ditengah tahun

i woke up and decided to do one thing ... --> to msg my old good friend that I have not been really contact them is the past for what ever reason and reconnect with them. Maybe i'm scared that we are not the same .. we don't have anything to talk .. but based on the fact we use to talk a lot last time.. I'm pretty sure it won't go wrong.. Some people are bless.. their life is always giving people hope and lights.. like my friend - Ah, even her death give me lesson..  I don't want to feel another regret...

April 13, 2017

Rambling about life .. again!!!

Every year there is unexpected death that I heard.. My housemate when i was in UTM just passed away yesterday after delivered a baby girl.. It kind of shocked and I do felt sad.. My mind just keep rewinding my memory with her especially when we stay outside campus.. She with her scooter and her habit to play with her hair.  She really a good and soft spoken with a lots humour traits. We used to be good friend... Sue, Ah, Intan and me. It really unexpected but again death is for sure. I look back at my last personal WhatsApp message. It just about unit trust. I don't even ask about her life any more. I guess over time, your path with your old friend branch. I justified by not having common topic to talk but I think the real reason I just don't care about their life anymore. When I look back, i cut so many people from my life... there is someone that I will always put her as my bestfriend's name during my childhood in some of my password reminder but I don't even remember when was the last time we spoke freely on the phone. I have so many justification for the friendship that I cut or I lowered the standard to hi/bye kind of relationship.. but yet the justification just to make me feel less guilty of being selfish... Sigh.. Am I really a lone ranger? .. a loner ? Is relationship really burden me?
In a different note, last night when I was watching cinema, my mum WhatsApp me.. Just normal message to take care myself and tell me her doa will always with me.. I cried... I saw how my mum progress from the strongest pontianak in Johor to an old lady.. For me, my knee start making sound and i start to have to have pain when taking stairs and even to pray. I wonder does the time will come too soon when I can't even pray without chair :(.  This sometimes make we wonder... will I regret staying abroad .. not staying near my mum or I will regret does not take opportunity to explore life when time is permitted for me.. .. maybe it PMS mode..

November 03, 2016


For my write that story class, i have to come out with story line almost every week. Then the teacher will read it and everyone will comment about the story line.. Somehow i just noticed that my story always revolve around family and always a sad one.. One story is about sisters rivalry which the younger felt she always in a shadow of her sister.. Some conflict happens and she said nasty thing to her sister. they met with accident and the sister passed away. She regret. Then the other story is about a struggle of family with regress autism kids, wife that is pregnant and husband that has career stagnant.  Then last week i wrote an outline about daughter that is annoyed with Mom that want to save on lots of thing.. somehow being transported to her mom's childhood and start to understand her Mom struggle childhood...back to reality and reconcile with the mom.  All this outline is for different title but somehow it always in the same and sad.. hahahah.. When my teacher reads other's outline... they come out with totally different and unexpected thing.. The teacher said .. most of people see the thing from their own view and character.. I wonder am I really a sad people... emmmm.... Will try to write something funny this weekend... see if I can get away from it,

October 27, 2016

:( :(

I met this family while going to Koh Lipe years ago. Friended with both husband and wife in Facebook. We never actually communicate after that but the husband like to update status in facebook. Normally about business, investment, sufism and small thing in life. His post just like knowledge sharing and normally in humble way. Not the way of  "yeah I know all"..  Last week he shared that he had chest pain after eating pineapple that make him think it was gastric. They went to clinic, the doctor also think the same thing but when they decided to go to hospital, it turn up to be a heart attack. So he advise everyone take his story as lesson. The way he response to people comment shows like everything is OK. Suddenly after a few days i saw his wife got lots of condolence message. It really surprise me that that guys just passed away... To be honest it really shock. I wasn't closed with him but really really shock. Sometimes life is so fragile and you never know when people which are close to you will leave you ... or when you will leave them. Same when you in mid 20's how one by one your friend get married.. there will be a time when one by one your friend is leaving you. It sad to think about it ... but then I wonder how my mum felt about ...

October 17, 2016

Night Class.

Recently i joined 2 night class. How arts work and write that story.. Both are quite different from my normal genre of science.. and I'm the dumbest of all.. hahahaha. But really especially how art works is quite eye opening for me. I've been a pure digital girl .. math & science kind of girl and to be in the class where all is subjective is really hard for me. My first day in class, i really clueless... i don't have idea why did i even join this class.. The teacher look at me and felt so lucky that I didn't join for credit. But the last 2 class was quite interesting to be honest. We look at the painting and most people (except me) will give their opinion about the photo. How the composition might means different thing, how the painter play with colour to bring the depth or some vibration to the painting, the axis that suggest what the painter intent to draw the viewer on certain subject... It also mention about how color evolve from 14th century ... and how people become creative and try their hard to get and produce newer color.. I always thought only technology evolve .. and for art, it just about talents but hey .. i didn't give justice to art.. As much as people try very hard in science, those people try hard as well in arts.. They do lots of advancement to the point what we know today..
When i visited museum, i always wonder WHY WHY must the photo or the sculpture is naked.. WHY WHY must always jesus and virgin mary or some saint with that little bulb on the head .. but little that I know.. for you to appreciate more, it not really about the subject but it about how the artist express his/her feeling towards that subject. I went to national gallery again yesterday.. i see beyond the bible story.. I see how the artist try to make virgin mary important ..  and how people try to portray what they believe in their masterpiece. I still have lots to learn but one thing that I know, there is so many thing in this world that I don't know or i think i know but i just bullshitting myself....
Can't wait for different thing next sem.. I plan to take archeology and philosophy..  Can't wait... some more got field trip for the archeology and nicer when you don't have to sit for exam .. hahahaha..