Hajj ... the journey

I never been to mecca. So haven't done the umrah or the hajj. To be honest, i dont have strong urge to do it yet. Hajj is the last pillar of islam. By complete it means i have completed checklist all 5 pillar of islam but yet i still struggle with the other pillar. Zakat is the easiest one. Maybe i still feel it more ritual then spiritual. The hardest is solat and fasting. Actually solat is hardest. Fasting as it is not eating n drinking is ok. But to fast from other form of lust n sin is hardest. I like gossip very much. I struggle to hate it. The hatred, the anger all is so hard to throw it away. For solat there are so much struggle that i hv. Struggle to be aware what i recite every solat, struggle to pray at the early time, struggle to enjoy the solat as it is a gift rather than obligation. Sigh. So having all this struggle, to be honest i feel  scared of doing hajj. I told my friend i scared to see the dark side of people but to think abt it, i sacred of the struggle and  i know i'm not ready. Even in a place where i can do my prayer anytime n how many time i want but my heart are sway to other thing :(. Hajj is a journey and really hope i can embark a real spritual journey with it not just ritual. Not something that i do and didnt get any impact after that.  I want a journey that i appreciate and can change me to a better person. That will be the strong enclose to my islam pillar. 

Wah. Actually i want to write abt something else. Hahaha. As we in 1mdb mode, so i want to pen down my disagreement of the concept of using 1mdb money to fund imam or bilal or pkk for hajj. Shouldn't hajj is individual struggle? I know a nasi lemak seller in my kg who sell nasi lemak n save the money n use it that money for hajj. Wouldnt that is sweeter journey n sacrifice?  1mdb is tax payor money n ppl are not happy of how it being use. I dont know if the money is consider halal or not and we using it for the pillar of islam. If we build a house with a weak n vague pillar, it so easy to wipe off by tsunami.